Spam (mainly for Jesse)

[fire_punk]

[Kevin makes his way down to the infirmary. This isn't going to be fun at all. Hopefully, Jesse won't kill him for it. He doesn't think he will. But he won't be surprised if his warden decides to beat the crap out of him when he can.]

Jesse?

Comments

CW: implied abuse

[yeahscience]

I know. I know it does, and I wish I could say that'd change, but it doesn't. [Does it hurt when he thinks of home? Every time.] The... difference is, you've got time passing here, you've got new people. New stuff to fill things up with.

And yeah, if you can get a deal... I don't know if you can change, like, your own history, I don't know if it works like that. You could try it. But I... Lua and me are trying to take some things back. I still remember them, but maybe there's a version of the universe where they never happened.

CW: implied abuse

[fire_punk]

Does it ever get better? [Will the nightmares ever go away? Will he ever be able to stop feeling like he betrayed his dad even before the fire?]

[He nods. Even another version of his world where Yvette and his dad never met would be good. Unless it'd just mean that he doesn't belong in his world. As if he cares about that.] It's worth a try, right?

[yeahscience]

Yeah. It gets better. [Does it? Right now, in the depths of the death toll and feeling like shit, he's inclined to feel like he's lying to the kid, but... no, he knows he isn't, in his brain if not his heart right now. He's been back home. He's seen what not-better looks like, and there's no comparison between him now and the lonely, miserable, paranoid junkie he'd been turning back into when he left.]

I'm... not gonna say as it ever goes away, but it gets better. Time, you know... happens. You get people. Like a better kind of people, I mean. And... if you're lucky, they're people that really think you can do better, too. And if you're like, way mad lucky, they'll stick around even when you can't.

[He's describing himself and Kevin, but he doesn't know it; he doesn't know, either, that Lua will soon prove this to be true for him when she comes to take care of him and doesn't even make a fuss when he spends half the afternoon not talking to her in return.]

[fire_punk]

Do you think Dad would be mad at me? Like if he knew about me and Yvette? [It's been something he's needed to know ever since the first time.]

[yeahscience]

I dunno, dude. I didn't know your dad. My folks, I mean, they were total douchebags. [He reconsiders, in light of... Yvette.] Not like your kind of douchebag, but still. They'd get pissed if I like so much as talked to my little bro, like, ever. So I don't have a great, uh, point of comparison.

[He thinks of the other fathers and mothers in his life. It's not a new question for him -- he wonders often if Ginny would forgive him for what he'd turned into.]

I dunno. I'm mad at her, for what like ever that's worth.

[fire_punk]

Why? [He never got to have a brother but...] You're family.

You are? [He hadn't expected Jesse to say that.]

[yeahscience]

[He snorts, just shakes his head at the first question, lips thinning at the corners. He's calm enough to talk now, but his anger from the flood is barring him from wanting to think too hard on other topics that piss him off, and the Pinkman family is one of them. He rubs at his eyes, chafes his wrists, and focuses on the second question instead.]

Why wouldn't I be?

[fire_punk]

No one else was... is.

[yeahscience]

[He's a little skeptical of that one.] What about Joanne?

[fire_punk]

Maybe? She did take me away. But then Mom found me and she didn't come when I called her. [He knew she hadn't liked it. And she'd been kind to him. Well, when she hadn't been scaring him. And she'd given him his first kiss.]